I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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