i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
