dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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