out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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