I faked an abortion last night.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
