she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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