i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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