I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
