No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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