I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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