Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
