I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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