i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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