If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Boobs are out for the taking
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
