I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
