Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize