call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
