I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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