No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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