I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
