Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
