I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
