I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
