I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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