connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
