umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
