Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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