Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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