He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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