Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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