I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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