I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
