I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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