life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
