ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
