It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
