I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
