i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
