Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
