Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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