My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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