Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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