Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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