Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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