Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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