there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
