Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
