Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
