Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
