I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
