I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
