So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
