Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It was confusing and full of hummus
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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