Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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