Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
