Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
