ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i believe in u and ur pee
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
