are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
