I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
