did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize