Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
In America we eat man semen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
